The last few weeks have been really good. I am happy to say that I have been on program 100%. Tracking my food is really helpful. I am able to see that I have indeed eaten and when I am done, I am done. But, not so fast. Just because my food journal says I should be done eating does not mean my mind agrees.
As a food addict, I seem to struggle the most at night. I have always been the type of person who can and would often go all day without food. But once I ate a meal, it was a BIG meal. Sometimes, I would eat 1500 or 2000 or more calories in just one sitting. Let’s keep it real, it’s not that hard to do. A Big Mac, Large Fries, a Chocolate Milkshake and your calories are over the top. You are in like Flynn. Thousands of calories in one sitting. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the additional late night snacking. The day would not feel complete without those extra goodies.
The hard part is that I still struggle so much at night. My meals never feel like they are enough and leave me wanting for more. I think the switch that tells most people that they have had enough is broken in me. Even after 3 weeks of eating nutritious meals I always want more. Even after a very generously portioned meal I want more. Typically, it’s a craving for some dessert type food. I wonder if I will always be this way? I wonder why I am wired this way?
In the end it does not matter. The feelings of wanting to compulsively eat might never go away, but I must do what I need to do to get this weight off me. Choosing to eat on program is choosing life instead of an early death. I just can’t believe that I still struggle so much day in and day out with food.
Some people say that they are emotitonal eaters. I personally don’t have any one reason why I eat. I think I eat because I like to eat. That’s it. I like the way food tastes and the way I feel when I am eating it. But those feelings are very short lived. Perhaps that is why I need to keep stuffing my face with food to continue to have those good feelings. I need to find a way to get those good feelings from some other place other than the food.
Today was weigh day. The scale says: 382.4 I am down 1.4 lbs from last week. In the last 3 weeks I have lost 15.8lbs. I will take it!
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Today is Day 17
All my life I have been overweight. I have tried so many diets out there with various degrees of success. The success was of course contingent on how well I complied with the rules. When I stopped following the rules of engagement, the weight came back fast and furious.
Today, I am making healthier food choices. I am following the rules like my life depends on it. Because quite frankly, my life does depend on it! The only way I am ever going to be relieved of this hip pain & knee pain is to lose this weight so I can have a hip replacement. The only way I will ever be able to walk and not rely on a electric scooter or wheelchair is if I become a normal weight. I must be strict with myself concerning the rules of my program. There can be no more excuses. There is no more room for putting off what needs to be done today. No more starting my diet on a Monday only to be off my food plan by the weekend. I don’t have that luxury anymore. After forty-two years of this self destructive behavior the ONLY option left for me is DOING! It feels good to be making myself a top priority. My food addiction has taken me to places that I wish to never see again. There is no food that is worth the amount of life that I have missed out on. There is no food worth the physical, emotional, or mental hell I have endured all these years do to my poor food choices. I am not willing to look the other way any longer. I know that it is now or never for me and I MUST be accountable.
I really don’t care why I eat badly. It does not matter. What matters is that I am done with destroying my life with food. Food is meant to be enjoyed. The food is not bad, I have been bad with the food. I have taken something that is suppose to nourish me and I abused it. No more. There is nothing that tastes as good the as the thought of being able to walk freely unaided and not in pain. There is nothing that tastes better than the thought of being the best grandparent to my darling grandchild. There is absolutely no food out there worth dying young for and leaving behind those that I love and that love me before my time. I want to get my sexy back. I have lost it and aim to find it again. I want my husband to have his wife back, the way we used to be. It’s hard to believe that it has taken me so long to get arrive at this place. But arrive I have. I am changing and I am ready to get this party started!
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Today, I am making healthier food choices. I am following the rules like my life depends on it. Because quite frankly, my life does depend on it! The only way I am ever going to be relieved of this hip pain & knee pain is to lose this weight so I can have a hip replacement. The only way I will ever be able to walk and not rely on a electric scooter or wheelchair is if I become a normal weight. I must be strict with myself concerning the rules of my program. There can be no more excuses. There is no more room for putting off what needs to be done today. No more starting my diet on a Monday only to be off my food plan by the weekend. I don’t have that luxury anymore. After forty-two years of this self destructive behavior the ONLY option left for me is DOING! It feels good to be making myself a top priority. My food addiction has taken me to places that I wish to never see again. There is no food that is worth the amount of life that I have missed out on. There is no food worth the physical, emotional, or mental hell I have endured all these years do to my poor food choices. I am not willing to look the other way any longer. I know that it is now or never for me and I MUST be accountable.
I really don’t care why I eat badly. It does not matter. What matters is that I am done with destroying my life with food. Food is meant to be enjoyed. The food is not bad, I have been bad with the food. I have taken something that is suppose to nourish me and I abused it. No more. There is nothing that tastes as good the as the thought of being able to walk freely unaided and not in pain. There is nothing that tastes better than the thought of being the best grandparent to my darling grandchild. There is absolutely no food out there worth dying young for and leaving behind those that I love and that love me before my time. I want to get my sexy back. I have lost it and aim to find it again. I want my husband to have his wife back, the way we used to be. It’s hard to believe that it has taken me so long to get arrive at this place. But arrive I have. I am changing and I am ready to get this party started!
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Persistence + Time = Success Day 15
I am such an impatient person. I want immediate gratification. It’s funny how my mind works. It’s as if I just want this weight to magically fall off my body. Silly huh? But secretly, it’s what I really expect...as unrealistic as it is lol.
For example, when I weigh in and I don’t get the weight loss I think I deserve, this is what goes through my head. Geez, I turned down so much good food this week and I only lost a ½ lb?!?!?! Well that doesn’t seem fair! Not when I could have eaten anything I craved and even binged and probably would have stayed the same weight!! Crazy thinking huh?
Some days I just feel so deprived when I can’t eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it! I also think it’s so sad that food plays such an important role in my life. I do not have a normal relationship with food. I doubt I ever will. Some days are a breeze, while other days I have to fight off the desire to eat and eat. I don't want to be the fat girl for the rest of my life. I don’t know why I have these days where everything just seems to be such a struggle. It is like my mind is my worst enemy. It’s like I am two people. There is the Linda that knows what to do and how to do it, she knows what needs to be done and is so determined to get it done. No excuses. Then there is this other Linda, that has all these excuses as to why it’s so hard and how it's not fair and wants to stomp her feet and cry about the injustice. Just like a spoiled child. It’s just crazy!! Some days I just don’t want to do the work it’s going to take to realize my goals.
All I know is that I have been fat all my life and I don’t want to be fat anymore. I also know that if I am going to lose this weight, I can’t listen to the Linda who has all the reasons why this is too hard. While it’s true that there are some days that are more difficult than others, eating healthy is not hard. What is hard is not giving into the cravings and the desires of my mind. Most of the battle is mental. I have always known that the problem is not only about the food I eat, but my mental state of mind as well. I am here to tell you that in order to stay in the game, I need to keep my head in the game. Some days it’s all I can do to just keep myself from grabbing a jar of peanut butter and plunge in face first. But I can tell you that the feeling I get when I wake up the next day after not submitting to the food is so empowering. And that my friends is what I am talking about. Empowerment! I love that feeling, and wish I could bottle it. I just need to remember that each day that I eat on plan the closer I get to becoming the healthy woman I desire to be.
I want to be successful. The last two weeks have shown me that if I am persistent in making healthy choices with the food, along with the passage of time, it will equal weight loss. I just have to remember to be patient with myself. It’s going to take time. I need to focus on each day as it comes. Each and every day that I choose to eat healthy is one day closer to the day to my new life.
The scale says 383.8 That down 3.8 lbs from last week for a total of 15 lbs down in the last two weeks!
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
For example, when I weigh in and I don’t get the weight loss I think I deserve, this is what goes through my head. Geez, I turned down so much good food this week and I only lost a ½ lb?!?!?! Well that doesn’t seem fair! Not when I could have eaten anything I craved and even binged and probably would have stayed the same weight!! Crazy thinking huh?
Some days I just feel so deprived when I can’t eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it! I also think it’s so sad that food plays such an important role in my life. I do not have a normal relationship with food. I doubt I ever will. Some days are a breeze, while other days I have to fight off the desire to eat and eat. I don't want to be the fat girl for the rest of my life. I don’t know why I have these days where everything just seems to be such a struggle. It is like my mind is my worst enemy. It’s like I am two people. There is the Linda that knows what to do and how to do it, she knows what needs to be done and is so determined to get it done. No excuses. Then there is this other Linda, that has all these excuses as to why it’s so hard and how it's not fair and wants to stomp her feet and cry about the injustice. Just like a spoiled child. It’s just crazy!! Some days I just don’t want to do the work it’s going to take to realize my goals.
All I know is that I have been fat all my life and I don’t want to be fat anymore. I also know that if I am going to lose this weight, I can’t listen to the Linda who has all the reasons why this is too hard. While it’s true that there are some days that are more difficult than others, eating healthy is not hard. What is hard is not giving into the cravings and the desires of my mind. Most of the battle is mental. I have always known that the problem is not only about the food I eat, but my mental state of mind as well. I am here to tell you that in order to stay in the game, I need to keep my head in the game. Some days it’s all I can do to just keep myself from grabbing a jar of peanut butter and plunge in face first. But I can tell you that the feeling I get when I wake up the next day after not submitting to the food is so empowering. And that my friends is what I am talking about. Empowerment! I love that feeling, and wish I could bottle it. I just need to remember that each day that I eat on plan the closer I get to becoming the healthy woman I desire to be.
I want to be successful. The last two weeks have shown me that if I am persistent in making healthy choices with the food, along with the passage of time, it will equal weight loss. I just have to remember to be patient with myself. It’s going to take time. I need to focus on each day as it comes. Each and every day that I choose to eat healthy is one day closer to the day to my new life.
The scale says 383.8 That down 3.8 lbs from last week for a total of 15 lbs down in the last two weeks!
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Thoughts for Day 9
My intention is to journal everyday, but you know how some days we get really busy or just plain lazy. Well anyway...it’s all good. Weigh day was yesterday, and the scale was kind to me. I am happy to report a weight loss. It’s funny how the scale has so much power over me, but it does. When the scale accurately measures my efforts it makes me feel so happy.
But what about those weeks that I will surely have along the way when I did everything right, but the number on the scale stays the same?. Or maybe worse, the scale shows a gain! Yuck! I am going to have learn to not give the scale so much power over me. This is one of the primary reasons I am keeping a food journal. The scale does not show all the times that I turned down that thick crust sausage and pepperoni pizza or the icecream that came free with our meal.. It does not show how I did not order that huge tub of popcorn at the movie theatre, and chose to enjoy the movie and the company I was with instead. Nope, the real truth lies in my food journal. Writing down what goes into my mouth is such an important tool for me because my eyes are broken. I have what’s called “portion distortion.” When I weigh and measure my meals there is no doubt that I am on plan. I know I am on plan because I can see it in black and white. The mental gymnastics of did I eat to much or can I have more is plain to see. For me, weighing and measuring equals serenity. I call it my quality and quantity assurance. LOL.
But truth be told, the food monster is always there. Always. Some days the food monsters voice is relentless it takes everything I have to just make it through the day on plan. But there are days that food monsters voice is barely a whisper, and for those days I am so grateful. All I know is the food monster wants me dead. That’s right. Dead. But, everyday that I fight for my life, make healthier choices, he will loosen his grip on me. I refuse to let the food monster take me out. I will take him out. One healthy choice at a time!
The scale says: 387.6 Whooo 10.6 lbs down!
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
But what about those weeks that I will surely have along the way when I did everything right, but the number on the scale stays the same?. Or maybe worse, the scale shows a gain! Yuck! I am going to have learn to not give the scale so much power over me. This is one of the primary reasons I am keeping a food journal. The scale does not show all the times that I turned down that thick crust sausage and pepperoni pizza or the icecream that came free with our meal.. It does not show how I did not order that huge tub of popcorn at the movie theatre, and chose to enjoy the movie and the company I was with instead. Nope, the real truth lies in my food journal. Writing down what goes into my mouth is such an important tool for me because my eyes are broken. I have what’s called “portion distortion.” When I weigh and measure my meals there is no doubt that I am on plan. I know I am on plan because I can see it in black and white. The mental gymnastics of did I eat to much or can I have more is plain to see. For me, weighing and measuring equals serenity. I call it my quality and quantity assurance. LOL.
But truth be told, the food monster is always there. Always. Some days the food monsters voice is relentless it takes everything I have to just make it through the day on plan. But there are days that food monsters voice is barely a whisper, and for those days I am so grateful. All I know is the food monster wants me dead. That’s right. Dead. But, everyday that I fight for my life, make healthier choices, he will loosen his grip on me. I refuse to let the food monster take me out. I will take him out. One healthy choice at a time!
The scale says: 387.6 Whooo 10.6 lbs down!
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Monday, August 9, 2010
Weekends Day 4 & 5
Saturday & Sunday are the days that I struggle the most. For some reason my mentality changes on the weekend. My thinking becomes corrupt. There is a mental switch that seems to get flipped that is nothing but trouble. All my life I have used food as my recreation. The more I ate, the bigger I became, the smaller my life became. To make up for the smaller life, the food became my everything. Food became my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time. No matter how upset or unhappy I was with my life, food seemed to make it better...at least for a little while. But the price has far exceeded what I am willing to pay anymore. What price you might ask? Here is a small list off the top of my head.
1 Can't walk more than 25ft without extreme pain
2 Can't get a hip replacement due to my size
3 Must use a wheelchair or a electric scooter because I can't walk
4 Can't fit in an airplane seat
5 Can't get on the floor with my grandchild
6 Stop breathing during my sleep due to sleep apnea
7 Breathless with very little exertion
8 Afraid to fall in the shower because my balance is so bad
9 Mentally exhausted
10 Can only do minimal and I mean minimal housework or cooking
11.If I fall, I can't pick myself up
12 Body Rashes
13 Personal hygiene is difficult
14 Getting out of be is exhausting
15 Can't travel
16 I am barely holding down my job
17 Constant worry about dying young
18 Unable to participate in life like I would like due to pain and being overweight
19 Uncomfortable in my own skin
20 Physically exhausted all the time!
These are just a few of the things that I live with because food is not in its place. These are things that can be corrected if I stop making food the priority, my best friend. Writing down my food, eating on program, this all makes me feel so much better than any binge ever did. The price of eating whatever I want, whenever I want, in what portions I want, is monumental. Yo Yo dieting is what got me here. The only person who can do this for me is me. There is another meal coming. I am worth the time and effort it takes and it’s going to take sometime to get healthy again. A lifetime of abusing food, using it medicate is not going to be arrested overnight. And while my life may be unmanageable right now, I am NOT powerless over food. I HOLD THE KEY! I HAVE THE POWER! IT IS WITHIN ME! I DO HAVE THE POWER TO GET MY LIFE BACK! It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. If I continue to put my food program before anyone or anything it will happen.
Until next time, be well.
Linda
1 Can't walk more than 25ft without extreme pain
2 Can't get a hip replacement due to my size
3 Must use a wheelchair or a electric scooter because I can't walk
4 Can't fit in an airplane seat
5 Can't get on the floor with my grandchild
6 Stop breathing during my sleep due to sleep apnea
7 Breathless with very little exertion
8 Afraid to fall in the shower because my balance is so bad
9 Mentally exhausted
10 Can only do minimal and I mean minimal housework or cooking
11.If I fall, I can't pick myself up
12 Body Rashes
13 Personal hygiene is difficult
14 Getting out of be is exhausting
15 Can't travel
16 I am barely holding down my job
17 Constant worry about dying young
18 Unable to participate in life like I would like due to pain and being overweight
19 Uncomfortable in my own skin
20 Physically exhausted all the time!
These are just a few of the things that I live with because food is not in its place. These are things that can be corrected if I stop making food the priority, my best friend. Writing down my food, eating on program, this all makes me feel so much better than any binge ever did. The price of eating whatever I want, whenever I want, in what portions I want, is monumental. Yo Yo dieting is what got me here. The only person who can do this for me is me. There is another meal coming. I am worth the time and effort it takes and it’s going to take sometime to get healthy again. A lifetime of abusing food, using it medicate is not going to be arrested overnight. And while my life may be unmanageable right now, I am NOT powerless over food. I HOLD THE KEY! I HAVE THE POWER! IT IS WITHIN ME! I DO HAVE THE POWER TO GET MY LIFE BACK! It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. If I continue to put my food program before anyone or anything it will happen.
Until next time, be well.
Linda
Friday, August 6, 2010
Day 3
How many days will it take to make it to goal? I don't know and it does not matter! What matters is what I am willing to do and continue to do each and every day to get there. I brought myself to this mess, and I can get myself out of it. No more lies to myself. I must be strict with myself. No more just this one time or I deserve this whatever the food might be since I have been so good on program. No more starting over on Mondays. No more looking away at the truth. No more good food bad food. No more on program off program. I deserve to be free of this fat prison I have lived in for the last 42+ yrs of my life! I am worthy of the gift of health. I aim to get mine back.
I know that feeling healthy and looking good is going to be so worth it. I can hardly wait for the day to come when I can walk free from pain. To donate my wheelchair and scooter to someone else in need. That my friends will be best day ever! Oh yeah, and shopping for some skinny jeans would be cool too LOL.
Until the next time, be well.
Linda~
I know that feeling healthy and looking good is going to be so worth it. I can hardly wait for the day to come when I can walk free from pain. To donate my wheelchair and scooter to someone else in need. That my friends will be best day ever! Oh yeah, and shopping for some skinny jeans would be cool too LOL.
Until the next time, be well.
Linda~
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Day 2
Today was a great day. Food is in it's proper place. When I am in control of what I put in my mouth, all is right with the world. It's so empowering to not be face down in the food. I wish I could bottle the feelings I have when I am being honest around the food. Thank you God I am grateful.
Linda~
Linda~
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Day one on Medifast
Scale says : 398.2
I have been here before. Excited, ready to go. Ready to start my “new” way of life. Today is the beginning of a new day where I have a clean slate, to begin my journey anew. Prior to winning the Medifast contest I was going start following a calorie counting program. Just normal foods, nothing special, just 1500 calories a day tracked in a food journal. My plan went out the window in anticipation of starting this program and I managed to gain more weight before starting the Medifast program today. It’s what I do best. Binge before the diet. Eat everything I want to eat to get it out of my system before the diet begins. Ugh. The scale does not lie. It says 398.2.
But I still have hope. Because as long as I am still alive, I will never stop trying. Today is day one of my Medifast program. I have committed to giving this program 110% of myself over the next 30 days. Once I am done with the 30 days, I will move on to a calorie based program of 1500 calories a day. I am using this program to jumpstart my weight loss journey. I am looking at the Medifast program as a tool, a resource if you will to help me get from point A to point B.
This morning as I ate my very first Medifast Meal of Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal *I was shocked at how much I disliked the flavor. It was a bit bitter and gritty. The strange thing was that I was a bit grateful that it wasn’t yummy. It was just food. Something to nourish my body, but not entice my taste buds. I plan to eat 5 Medifast meals a day with one Lean and Green Meal for dinner each night.
There is no magic bullet. I must be willing to do the hard work it’s going to take to get honest around food. There is no easy fix. If there was one, I would have found it by now. But the one thing I do know is that I must eat to live and stop living to eat. I need to be able to eat in a way that is realistic and doable, sustainable. If I take drastic measures with the kinds of foods I eat then sooner or later I will not be able to sustain that way of eating and binge. I need to find a solution that fits my life. Something I can do each and every day for the rest of my life. I just need to remember that I have another meal coming. Food does control me, I control it. Food does not fix anything. It can’t make anything better. The only power it has is the power I give it. It is time to stop making excuses. I want to succeed. I wonder what I am so afraid of that I keep hurting myself with food?
I have been here before. Excited, ready to go. Ready to start my “new” way of life. Today is the beginning of a new day where I have a clean slate, to begin my journey anew. Prior to winning the Medifast contest I was going start following a calorie counting program. Just normal foods, nothing special, just 1500 calories a day tracked in a food journal. My plan went out the window in anticipation of starting this program and I managed to gain more weight before starting the Medifast program today. It’s what I do best. Binge before the diet. Eat everything I want to eat to get it out of my system before the diet begins. Ugh. The scale does not lie. It says 398.2.
But I still have hope. Because as long as I am still alive, I will never stop trying. Today is day one of my Medifast program. I have committed to giving this program 110% of myself over the next 30 days. Once I am done with the 30 days, I will move on to a calorie based program of 1500 calories a day. I am using this program to jumpstart my weight loss journey. I am looking at the Medifast program as a tool, a resource if you will to help me get from point A to point B.
This morning as I ate my very first Medifast Meal of Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal *I was shocked at how much I disliked the flavor. It was a bit bitter and gritty. The strange thing was that I was a bit grateful that it wasn’t yummy. It was just food. Something to nourish my body, but not entice my taste buds. I plan to eat 5 Medifast meals a day with one Lean and Green Meal for dinner each night.
There is no magic bullet. I must be willing to do the hard work it’s going to take to get honest around food. There is no easy fix. If there was one, I would have found it by now. But the one thing I do know is that I must eat to live and stop living to eat. I need to be able to eat in a way that is realistic and doable, sustainable. If I take drastic measures with the kinds of foods I eat then sooner or later I will not be able to sustain that way of eating and binge. I need to find a solution that fits my life. Something I can do each and every day for the rest of my life. I just need to remember that I have another meal coming. Food does control me, I control it. Food does not fix anything. It can’t make anything better. The only power it has is the power I give it. It is time to stop making excuses. I want to succeed. I wonder what I am so afraid of that I keep hurting myself with food?
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