One is too many, and a thousand is never enough!

We have all heard of that saying before. But I have lived by those words. I have struggled since the time I was a young child with my weight. I have never been really been what I would call a normal size. I have always been the fat girl. Like most of you, I too have struggled with all kinds of diets looking for the magic bullet. I am here to tell you that there is no magic bullet. It is going to take a lot of hard work and determination to create a food lifestyle that I can live with the rest of my life.

What really bothers me is that I think about food all the time. What to eat, how much to eat, should I eat, should I not eat. Is this food good or is this food bad. It is mentally exhausting to be me! I must be wired different than people that don’t have obsessive food thoughts. I don’t think that normal people obsess about food all day. They eat when they are hungry they stop when they are full and that is the end of that.

I have always been amazed at how some people can take one or two bites of something like a donut or a candy bar. Are you kidding me?? Take a bite or two and leave the rest? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can do that, but it is not natural for me to do, it takes a lot of effort and metal self talk to make that happen for me. How about those people who forget to eat?!?!?! I have never forgotten to eat, not ever! I may have been too busy to eat, but I have never forgotten to eat! Another thing that really bothers me is that I am a quantity eater. I can’t seem to get full on a “normal” portion of food. I really think that whatever switch gets triggered to tell a person that they have eaten enough is really broken in me.


I am an all or nothing kind of person when it comes to my food. I am either on or off a diet. I am either good or bad. I am either on program or off program. Hungry or stuffed. I am either weighing and measuring my food or binging. There is no in between! I just don’t get why some of us struggle so much more than others with food. It is just food! I just don’t’ get it. It is the one area of my life that is so out of control but it is the area of my life that I try to control the most! Who am I kidding to believe I control anything!

I have never known what it feels like to eat just to fuel my body. Food has played and continues to play such an important role in my life. I have a love/hate relationship with food. It is a struggle that I live with each and every day of my life. I don’t think it will ever be normal for me to be satisfied with just one portion of anything. I have to convince myself each and every time I sit down to eat to eat only the portion of food that is allowed on my program. I always want more. The funny thing is that intellectually, I know this is crazy. I know that food is fuel. I could teach anyone how to lose weight and keep it off. It’s not that I don’t understand nutrition. It’s just that I suffer from the notion that if one is good then a thousand will be better and we all know that is just not true. Yet, mentally, I struggle with that ridiculous notion a thousand times a day. I have a broken relationship with food. But I will never give up. I refuse to give up. If I need to count points, or count calories or count whatever for the rest of my life to get my life back then so be it. While there seems to be no cure for my addiction, there is a way to arrest the damage it does. In the days ahead, I will fight for my life many times a day. I must really work on my emotional, physical and spiritual life. I must learn to believe that I am worth saving!