Day 131 Checking Back In

It’s been quite some time since I blogged last, however this does not surprise me... When I am on and off plan like during the months of November and December 2010, I don’t want to track things. I don’t want to share because I am angry at myself for not being on plan like I should be. Some other words that come to mind are embarrassed, disappointed, indifferent. I basically want to check out :(

I am one of those people who only wants to share the good stuff. I like to share how well my program is going. But I hate to talk about my failures, my mess ups, the stuff that requires 100% honesty. That stuff my friends is hard to look at square in the face. Perhaps it's because I think those that read this will think less of me. I would be lying if I said it didn't matter because it does. But no matter how much all that stuff matters to me, I should be doing this blog for me and only me. It’s easy to write about things when your on track and doing well. But this is not the case when you are face down in the food.

My lowest weight on this journey was the 363.4 on 11/17/10. Since then, I have made some good food choices, but for the most part, I have not been on plan. My highest gain happened on 12/1/10, where I weighed in at 372.4. The holiday’s are the hardest time of year for most of us. But to be quite honest, it does not matter to me whether it’s holiday season or not. When I start eating cake, candy, refined carby foods I am done. Sometimes, I can get back to the business of healthy eating by the next meal, other times, it has taken weeks or months, sadly, even years.

My plan this month is to minimize the damage as much as possible. I know that I will not eat perfectly this month, but I going to work really hard to get off the processed foods as part of my choices. Except for the actual holiday. I am going to work on sticking to “real foods.”


My best friend from New York sent me a text this morning, which prompted this post. She asked me if I was okay, and what happened to my Monday, Monday updates?? I loved hearing that she looks forward to reading my blog. That it allows her to feel connected to me eventhough we are 3000 miles apart. You know, I was thinking about sisters the other day, and how close sisters may be. Then I thought about the sisterly friends we make sometimes, not sisters by blood, but by choice. She is my chosen sister, and I am so grateful that God put her in my life. Thank you for caring about me and loving me even when I am not doing such a great job of loving myself.

The “what happened” is that my choices have been been more off plan than on since Thanksgiving Day. As a result, I didn’t feel I had anything good to share. When I mess up with my eating plan I feel shame. When I feel ashamed I isolate. It’s what I do. And while I know that I am not the only one who struggles with this, I need to learn to share all of me. Not just the parts of me that I think you will like or the parts that I think you all just want to hear. I need to post the good, the bad, and the ugly. I need to use this blog as the tool that it was intended to be. I need to stop checking out no matter what goes on with my food. I need to learn that going off program is not a moral issue. It does not make me a bad person nor a good person. It's just makes me human. I need to learn to love myself flaws and all. I must stop defining myself by what I put in my mouth. Being a good worthy person is not about whether I eat chocoloate cake or 4 ounces of lean protein. I am my worst critic and it serves no healthy purpose. It allows me to keep eating out of control.

Today the scale said 371.6. I need to lose 8.2lbs to get back to my lowest weight of the year. If I stop mucking about, I will do it.

Until next time, be well .

Linda~