It’s been quite some time since I blogged last, however this does not surprise me... When I am on and off plan like during the months of November and December 2010, I don’t want to track things. I don’t want to share because I am angry at myself for not being on plan like I should be. Some other words that come to mind are embarrassed, disappointed, indifferent. I basically want to check out :(
I am one of those people who only wants to share the good stuff. I like to share how well my program is going. But I hate to talk about my failures, my mess ups, the stuff that requires 100% honesty. That stuff my friends is hard to look at square in the face. Perhaps it's because I think those that read this will think less of me. I would be lying if I said it didn't matter because it does. But no matter how much all that stuff matters to me, I should be doing this blog for me and only me. It’s easy to write about things when your on track and doing well. But this is not the case when you are face down in the food.
My lowest weight on this journey was the 363.4 on 11/17/10. Since then, I have made some good food choices, but for the most part, I have not been on plan. My highest gain happened on 12/1/10, where I weighed in at 372.4. The holiday’s are the hardest time of year for most of us. But to be quite honest, it does not matter to me whether it’s holiday season or not. When I start eating cake, candy, refined carby foods I am done. Sometimes, I can get back to the business of healthy eating by the next meal, other times, it has taken weeks or months, sadly, even years.
My plan this month is to minimize the damage as much as possible. I know that I will not eat perfectly this month, but I going to work really hard to get off the processed foods as part of my choices. Except for the actual holiday. I am going to work on sticking to “real foods.”
My best friend from New York sent me a text this morning, which prompted this post. She asked me if I was okay, and what happened to my Monday, Monday updates?? I loved hearing that she looks forward to reading my blog. That it allows her to feel connected to me eventhough we are 3000 miles apart. You know, I was thinking about sisters the other day, and how close sisters may be. Then I thought about the sisterly friends we make sometimes, not sisters by blood, but by choice. She is my chosen sister, and I am so grateful that God put her in my life. Thank you for caring about me and loving me even when I am not doing such a great job of loving myself.
The “what happened” is that my choices have been been more off plan than on since Thanksgiving Day. As a result, I didn’t feel I had anything good to share. When I mess up with my eating plan I feel shame. When I feel ashamed I isolate. It’s what I do. And while I know that I am not the only one who struggles with this, I need to learn to share all of me. Not just the parts of me that I think you will like or the parts that I think you all just want to hear. I need to post the good, the bad, and the ugly. I need to use this blog as the tool that it was intended to be. I need to stop checking out no matter what goes on with my food. I need to learn that going off program is not a moral issue. It does not make me a bad person nor a good person. It's just makes me human. I need to learn to love myself flaws and all. I must stop defining myself by what I put in my mouth. Being a good worthy person is not about whether I eat chocoloate cake or 4 ounces of lean protein. I am my worst critic and it serves no healthy purpose. It allows me to keep eating out of control.
Today the scale said 371.6. I need to lose 8.2lbs to get back to my lowest weight of the year. If I stop mucking about, I will do it.
Until next time, be well .
Linda~
Monday, December 13, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Day 105 Perfectly Imperfect
I knew from the very beginning of this weight loss attempt that this time things needed to be very different. From a food standpoint, I knew that there could be nothing really off limits per se. That in order for me to sustain this way of life it had to be something I could do forever and ever.
In my past efforts to lose weight, every time I went off my food plan, I would get what I call stupid thinking. You know, the mentality of since you already blew it, you might as well eat all you want of whatever you want, quick!! All my binge foods would be singing my name and I would just justify the eating frenzy because I had already “blown it” right? Clearly, this way of thinking is what got me to be over 400lbs. It’s the feast or famine mentality that I had caused me to be so out of control. Today, if I “cheat” I get back on track ASAP. Instead of allowing the indulgence to own me, I am learning to own it and let it go. I am learning to be more gentle with myself and more forgiving of myself, not to be confused with making excuses for myself.
My comfort foods are definitely the hardest foods for me to control. But I have allowed myself to eat from those foods from time to time along this journey. There have been a few times where I have eaten from those foods like the old days. But what I have learned is that each and every day is a new day. Each meal, each day I get a clean slate to work from and I can pick up where I left off. I don’t have to stay in the mode of making unhealthy choices.
This weight loss journey does have its ups and downs for sure. But even during the times that I have made less than a perfect choices, I still managed to lose weight. I am learning how to minimize the damage by getting right back on track. I am learning that a slip does not have to spiral down into a major slide. And even if I do spiral out of control for a bit, I can turn things around at my next meal. I can be successful on this weight loss journey.
Listen, I am not aiming for perfection here. I just want to be able to live my life in a healthy body. I want to be the best I can be, but I am human. I am going to eat off program from time to time. But what I do to recover from those less than perfect decisions is what will decide how successful I will be. I am happy with my progress thus far. It’s funny, I am perfectly imperfect and that’s okay. As long as I get back to doing the work that needs done, I will reach my weight loss goals.
Today the scale reads 363.4. That’s 6 lbs down from last week’s weigh in of 369.4. Thank you God, I am grateful.
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
In my past efforts to lose weight, every time I went off my food plan, I would get what I call stupid thinking. You know, the mentality of since you already blew it, you might as well eat all you want of whatever you want, quick!! All my binge foods would be singing my name and I would just justify the eating frenzy because I had already “blown it” right? Clearly, this way of thinking is what got me to be over 400lbs. It’s the feast or famine mentality that I had caused me to be so out of control. Today, if I “cheat” I get back on track ASAP. Instead of allowing the indulgence to own me, I am learning to own it and let it go. I am learning to be more gentle with myself and more forgiving of myself, not to be confused with making excuses for myself.
My comfort foods are definitely the hardest foods for me to control. But I have allowed myself to eat from those foods from time to time along this journey. There have been a few times where I have eaten from those foods like the old days. But what I have learned is that each and every day is a new day. Each meal, each day I get a clean slate to work from and I can pick up where I left off. I don’t have to stay in the mode of making unhealthy choices.
This weight loss journey does have its ups and downs for sure. But even during the times that I have made less than a perfect choices, I still managed to lose weight. I am learning how to minimize the damage by getting right back on track. I am learning that a slip does not have to spiral down into a major slide. And even if I do spiral out of control for a bit, I can turn things around at my next meal. I can be successful on this weight loss journey.
Listen, I am not aiming for perfection here. I just want to be able to live my life in a healthy body. I want to be the best I can be, but I am human. I am going to eat off program from time to time. But what I do to recover from those less than perfect decisions is what will decide how successful I will be. I am happy with my progress thus far. It’s funny, I am perfectly imperfect and that’s okay. As long as I get back to doing the work that needs done, I will reach my weight loss goals.
Today the scale reads 363.4. That’s 6 lbs down from last week’s weigh in of 369.4. Thank you God, I am grateful.
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Friday, November 12, 2010
Day 100 Where Will I Be On January 1st 2011?
I was on a very slippery slope this past weekend. Today I made the following decision that was inspired by a friend.
There are 49 days left until 2011.
If I work hard at losing weight, I might weigh 350 lbs on January 1st 2011.
If I wait, and indulge instead, I might weigh 390 on January 1st 2011.
I have thought it over and DECIDED that I would like to work hard and reach for the 350 pounds. So, over the next 49 days I will eat healthy foods. My effort level will be at 100%. I want to obtain the best results possible. I am worth it!
Wednesday 11/10/10 the scale read 369.4. That was a 3.2lb gain from the week prior due to many food indulgences over the last weekend.
I was able to reel my eating back in and get back on track on Tuesday 11/09/10.
What will you weigh on January 1st 2011? Have you decided?
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
There are 49 days left until 2011.
If I work hard at losing weight, I might weigh 350 lbs on January 1st 2011.
If I wait, and indulge instead, I might weigh 390 on January 1st 2011.
I have thought it over and DECIDED that I would like to work hard and reach for the 350 pounds. So, over the next 49 days I will eat healthy foods. My effort level will be at 100%. I want to obtain the best results possible. I am worth it!
Wednesday 11/10/10 the scale read 369.4. That was a 3.2lb gain from the week prior due to many food indulgences over the last weekend.
I was able to reel my eating back in and get back on track on Tuesday 11/09/10.
What will you weigh on January 1st 2011? Have you decided?
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Day 91 INSANITY
I decided that today’s post was not going to be so much about food. I have a lot on my mind right now, and since this journal is for me, it needs to be about me to help me. I want my journal to be a place where I can write what I feel is going on in my life to help me through this weight loss journey. It is the very stuff that is so hard to talk about, so personal. But if I don’t write it out, I won’t have any healing, and I want to get better.
My son is someone I love very much. Over the last 11 years of his 27 years on this earth, I have tried so hard to help him. Suffice to say that he struggles with an addiction along with other life issue. I have tried everything I know how to do to help him, but none of the things I tried worked. The one thing I have not tried is letting go. It’s something I should have done a long time ago. But in spite of knowing what I should do, the reality is that it’s very hard to do when it’s your own child. Because no matter what age they are, they are still YOUR children. But loving him to death was never my intention.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results. "
For the last 11 years, I have been living in an insane situation. And while I know that the only person I can change is me, I persisted in helping my son because he kept coming back to me saying he wanted to change. He would say all the right things I needed to hear in order to continue the insanity, and I bought it… hook, line, and sinker. I was willing to go to any lengths to help him help himself. But the wrong person was doing all the work. In the end, all the rules were broken, all the promises made were broken, and it saddens me to say that once again, I am exactly where I was 11 years ago. Heartbroken.
The one thing I forgot is we all must grow up and experience the consequences of our choices, good or bad. It is time that I give him the respect to live his life the way he chooses. I love him more than he will ever know. But it’s an illusion to believe that I could change anyone but myself. I pray that one day soon he will decide to do whatever it takes to turn his life around.
The 3 R’s of growing up:
The first R stands for taking responsibility; growing up is a process of taking increasing
responsibility for our choices and actions.
The second R is for doing the right thing, which almost always produces the best result and leaves us feeling good about ourselves.
The third R is for respecting ourselves, which leads us to make better choices and care more
about doing our best.
Today the scale said 366.2. That is 2.4 down from last week for a total of 32lbs down since 8/4/10.
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
My son is someone I love very much. Over the last 11 years of his 27 years on this earth, I have tried so hard to help him. Suffice to say that he struggles with an addiction along with other life issue. I have tried everything I know how to do to help him, but none of the things I tried worked. The one thing I have not tried is letting go. It’s something I should have done a long time ago. But in spite of knowing what I should do, the reality is that it’s very hard to do when it’s your own child. Because no matter what age they are, they are still YOUR children. But loving him to death was never my intention.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results. "
For the last 11 years, I have been living in an insane situation. And while I know that the only person I can change is me, I persisted in helping my son because he kept coming back to me saying he wanted to change. He would say all the right things I needed to hear in order to continue the insanity, and I bought it… hook, line, and sinker. I was willing to go to any lengths to help him help himself. But the wrong person was doing all the work. In the end, all the rules were broken, all the promises made were broken, and it saddens me to say that once again, I am exactly where I was 11 years ago. Heartbroken.
The one thing I forgot is we all must grow up and experience the consequences of our choices, good or bad. It is time that I give him the respect to live his life the way he chooses. I love him more than he will ever know. But it’s an illusion to believe that I could change anyone but myself. I pray that one day soon he will decide to do whatever it takes to turn his life around.
The 3 R’s of growing up:
The first R stands for taking responsibility; growing up is a process of taking increasing
responsibility for our choices and actions.
The second R is for doing the right thing, which almost always produces the best result and leaves us feeling good about ourselves.
The third R is for respecting ourselves, which leads us to make better choices and care more
about doing our best.
Today the scale said 366.2. That is 2.4 down from last week for a total of 32lbs down since 8/4/10.
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Day 84 Decide
I have heard this word a lot this week. Decide. I like this word. It is strong and powerful.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word decide as follows:
a : to make a final choice or judgment about
b : to select as a course of action —used with an infinitive
Well I have DECIDED that even if the number on my scale does not line up with my dedication and good choices concerning my food, I will not stray. I will not stuff my face with food and throw my hands up in defeat. No, I have decided to just keep on doing exactly what I have been doing. Eat healthy foods, write down what goes into my mouth, and continue to track my 1500 calories each and every day.
The only thing I might change is weighing in so often. I think I am going to start weighing in every two weeks instead of weekly. This will provide some distance between me and the scale. While I love it when number on the scale goes down, it's quite another story when the number goes up. Even more discouraging when you stayed the course and don't know why the scale shows a gain.
Today the scale says 368.6. That is a gain of 2.2 lbs from last week. I don’t feel I deserve this gain. But you can bet that the next weigh-in that number will go down. I have decided!
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word decide as follows:
a : to make a final choice or judgment about
b : to select as a course of action —used with an infinitive
Well I have DECIDED that even if the number on my scale does not line up with my dedication and good choices concerning my food, I will not stray. I will not stuff my face with food and throw my hands up in defeat. No, I have decided to just keep on doing exactly what I have been doing. Eat healthy foods, write down what goes into my mouth, and continue to track my 1500 calories each and every day.
The only thing I might change is weighing in so often. I think I am going to start weighing in every two weeks instead of weekly. This will provide some distance between me and the scale. While I love it when number on the scale goes down, it's quite another story when the number goes up. Even more discouraging when you stayed the course and don't know why the scale shows a gain.
Today the scale says 368.6. That is a gain of 2.2 lbs from last week. I don’t feel I deserve this gain. But you can bet that the next weigh-in that number will go down. I have decided!
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Day 78 Life In One Hand…
I have been thinking a lot lately about how all my life, I have used food to change my state of mind. Food has been everything from my recreation to my medication. It has been really hard to not allow myself to do that anymore. I mean, it’s what I have done ALL my life. Eating when happy, sad, angry, lonely, tired, bored, hurt, broken. Food has helped me get through some really rough times, and while I had to wear the results of those unhealthy food choices, eating those foods seemed to soothe my soul. It really did seem to help, even if just for a moment. It was my friend and my worst enemy all at the same time.
Doing life on life’s terms is really hard. Everyday I fight to not use food which is my choice of a mind altering substance Is there life without participating in the all you can eat buffets? I mean, ever since I can remember it has been all about the food. In my world, food has taken up so much of my time. And now that the holidays are just weeks away, one after another, it will be even more important than ever to stay the course. To not go back into thinking that just this one time, or I can start over tomorrow. Because that thinking is a lie. There will be no tomorrow if I allow the food to creep back in like before.
I know I need a game plan. I know that just because it is Halloween, Thanksgiving Day, or Christmas it is not a license to binge or stuff myself with foods that only make my short and long terms goals just that much further away. No, I don’t need to throw in the towel and go back to the foods that I know I can’t handle eating. In order to escape from this obese body, I must be diligent in my efforts and not allow excuses to find their way back into my mind or life.
It is not easy to not mess around with the food. Food is everywhere, and I get to make the choice many times a day as to what I am going to feed my body. Food can longer long be a recreational thing I do. Not to say that it can’t be fun to eat. But, it just can’t be my everything anymore. There are some days that I am so happy to have found the power to fight back. But I won’t lie. There are other times that I am profoundly sad that I can’t eat the way I used to. Without thinking, without writing down everything that goes in my mouth. I find it tedious that I should have to write down what goes in my mouth. I want to be like other people, you know, those people who just seem to eat what they want and never gain a pound. However, I am not that naive to think that even those people really do have a method to their madness. Yes, there are a few folks out there that can eat whatever they want and never put on a single pound and never exercise. But, for the most part, most people have to balance what they eat with exercise and that does allow them to indulge a lot more in the foods they love and not pile on the pounds.
So my message for myself today is something that I have heard in the recovery rooms. We keep our food in one hand and our lives in the other (separate), and we don't mix them. food <-------> life …..DON'T CLAP!
For me, adhering to this concept must be a priority in order for me to be successful on this journey. So today, my life in one hand and my food in the other hand and I DO NOT CLAP!
Today the scales said 366.4. That is 3lbs down from last week for a total of 31.8lbs down since 8/4/10. I am so excited. I am doing this, one day a time. Once decision at a time.
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Doing life on life’s terms is really hard. Everyday I fight to not use food which is my choice of a mind altering substance Is there life without participating in the all you can eat buffets? I mean, ever since I can remember it has been all about the food. In my world, food has taken up so much of my time. And now that the holidays are just weeks away, one after another, it will be even more important than ever to stay the course. To not go back into thinking that just this one time, or I can start over tomorrow. Because that thinking is a lie. There will be no tomorrow if I allow the food to creep back in like before.
I know I need a game plan. I know that just because it is Halloween, Thanksgiving Day, or Christmas it is not a license to binge or stuff myself with foods that only make my short and long terms goals just that much further away. No, I don’t need to throw in the towel and go back to the foods that I know I can’t handle eating. In order to escape from this obese body, I must be diligent in my efforts and not allow excuses to find their way back into my mind or life.
It is not easy to not mess around with the food. Food is everywhere, and I get to make the choice many times a day as to what I am going to feed my body. Food can longer long be a recreational thing I do. Not to say that it can’t be fun to eat. But, it just can’t be my everything anymore. There are some days that I am so happy to have found the power to fight back. But I won’t lie. There are other times that I am profoundly sad that I can’t eat the way I used to. Without thinking, without writing down everything that goes in my mouth. I find it tedious that I should have to write down what goes in my mouth. I want to be like other people, you know, those people who just seem to eat what they want and never gain a pound. However, I am not that naive to think that even those people really do have a method to their madness. Yes, there are a few folks out there that can eat whatever they want and never put on a single pound and never exercise. But, for the most part, most people have to balance what they eat with exercise and that does allow them to indulge a lot more in the foods they love and not pile on the pounds.
So my message for myself today is something that I have heard in the recovery rooms. We keep our food in one hand and our lives in the other (separate), and we don't mix them. food <-------> life …..DON'T CLAP!
For me, adhering to this concept must be a priority in order for me to be successful on this journey. So today, my life in one hand and my food in the other hand and I DO NOT CLAP!
Today the scales said 366.4. That is 3lbs down from last week for a total of 31.8lbs down since 8/4/10. I am so excited. I am doing this, one day a time. Once decision at a time.
Until next time, be well.
Linda~
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Day 71 Food
I worked really hard this last week to make healthy food choices and to reverse the gained weight from my unplanned binge last weekend. I am not going to lie and say it was easy. It wasn't. But I also realized that no two days are the same. Some days are easy no brainers and other days I struggle all day to make good choices. There are some days that I battle the food from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. It has been really hard to change the way I think about food and not be the person I have been around the food for over 42 yrs.
A Facebook friend of mine told me that it is important to understand that FOOD is not enemy. The enemy is ME. The battle that I am fighting is the wrong battle. I need to be my own champion and get out of my own way so I can be successful. I have lied to myself for years, and justified my behavior for so long so that I could continue to eat what I wanted, when I wanted it. It’s time to understand that food is my friend and it’s here to sustain me, and it’s me that abused that relationship, not the other way around. I am a work in progress.
Today the scale says 369.4. That’s 2.4 lbs down from my lowest weight of 371.8 two weeks ago. That's more like it!
Until next time, be well and happy.
Linda~
A Facebook friend of mine told me that it is important to understand that FOOD is not enemy. The enemy is ME. The battle that I am fighting is the wrong battle. I need to be my own champion and get out of my own way so I can be successful. I have lied to myself for years, and justified my behavior for so long so that I could continue to eat what I wanted, when I wanted it. It’s time to understand that food is my friend and it’s here to sustain me, and it’s me that abused that relationship, not the other way around. I am a work in progress.
Today the scale says 369.4. That’s 2.4 lbs down from my lowest weight of 371.8 two weeks ago. That's more like it!
Until next time, be well and happy.
Linda~
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